Developed by Dr. Mary Jane Rotheram PhD, Director of The UCLA Family Commons
Every family needs to have a way of recognizing their feelings, sharing their feelings, managing their feelings, understanding their family, and problem solving. We have a family tool kit which helps family know how they feel, what they think, and plan what to do. The kit has five tools.
First, a Feeling Thermometer helps children and parents learn to be aware of their feelings. The intensity of feelings varies predictably, in different situations. Some adults are always highly anxious when giving a speech. Other adults might be comfortable when giving a speech, but find asking for a date difficult. Feelings are linked directly to different physical reactions. Some people, when uncomfortable, blush red. Blood rushes to their face and their heart races. Others may tap their foot and all their muscles may tighten. Different feelings link to different bodily reactions.
A feeling thermometer measures ones’ level of comfort from 0-10, 10 being the most uncomfortable and 0, the most comfortable that you could ever feel. Everyone has their own feeling thermometer, and some things are going to be more upsetting to you than to others.
The second tool is a Stress Ball. Families need a variety of different ways to help manage uncomfortable feelings. Squeezing a ball may reduce stress. You can carry a stress ball in your pocket, like tennis players, who always have balls in their back pocket. A stress ball can help rest your body as you channel all your stress into the ball.
The third tool is the use of Tokens. Parents need to “Catch children being good”. Tokens are a way to signal to children that they are doing something that you like. Tokens are small pieces of construction paper that are accompanied by a compliment, or a thank you.
The fourth tool is Creating Options. All children need to have the ability to act with a variety of responses. Sometimes it is in our best interest to be shy or passive. Sometimes it is useful to be aggressive. Most often, it is good to be assertive. If a child lacks the ability to behave in an aggressive style, they lack a choice. If they need to get angry or express anger, they cannot. Having children shout the alphabet increases the range of choices that a child has.
The fifth tool is “I” Statements. It is very common for adults to be telling children how they should act. Good children do this, bad children do that. In contrast, we encourage children and adults to have a way of asking for what you want, but also taking responsibility for what you want. Stating your feelings as what you want is a way to reduce, and to stop, being judgmental. Rather than saying, you should do this, or you should do that. We encourage children to state what they want as a request, I would like__ I would not like__.
Problem solving is putting together how one thinks, feels, and acts, in order to solve a problem. Good problem solvers set a goal, generate alternatives, and weigh the costs and benefits of each alternative, and get feedback on the usefulness of each potential choice.
The UCLA Family Commons transforms the best science into practical and fun tools for improving families’ quality of life. We offer family coaching, camps, classes, parenting programs and events – in your neighborhood, your school, or the convenience of your own home.
